House, M.D. versus the ‘Televisually Correct’

Translated from french by David Buchanan

Thanks to TF1 for prescribing our dose of Gregory House last night, on top form and at a decent hour! The withdrawal was beginning to hurt, and those two hours gained were great news - although this new place in the schedule doesn’t come without provoking a minor fit of anguish.

What could be more natural having attended, for two whole seasons and without anaesthetic, the amputation of numerous racial, religious, sexual, caustic – quite simply, funny – references from the series? Editing and dubbing, keen to tidy up, have cut away living flesh. True, the good Dr. House, a highly-respected diagnostician, drugged-up to the eyeballs, antisocial and lame, is hardly ‘televisually correct’, and he would have trouble gaining our sympathy without his musical and life-saving talents; but are these constant (and mostly cosmetic) operations really necessary? Let’s hope that the new slot two hours earlier in the schedule doesn’t anticipate an even more severe facelift because, it must be said, this frequent nipping and tucking on our screens has turned into a veritable chainsaw massacre, depriving us of lines, shots and even whole episodes!

Is this true? Why has the first episode never been seen? Could it be that the writers, set on vividly portraying their character right from the start, have introduced us to House in all his glory and without the slightest tact, much as he would have done himself? Or might it be because we learn that he hired Foreman, his brilliant neurologist assistant, because he was black and House needed someone on his team who could pick a lock and wouldn’t baulk at breaking the rules – a black, y’know? Greg, what are you saying? One might also infer that it’s because the head of this unusual department explains to Cameron, the immunologist with a heart of gold, that she wasn’t hired for her heart, and hardly for her head, but mostly for her bottom, much as one might keep a pretty green plant in one’s office. The only other plausible explanation: the fact that the diagnosis of the dying patient rests entirely on whether or not she is Jewish, and whether or not she eats kosher. Anyway! People aren’t going to discuss subjects like these on television, even after 10:30pm!

I assure you, most of the time it’s completely painless. A few images disappear, one word is changed for another, and it’s over. The blood doesn’t spurt quite so far, the commentary is a little less acerbic, and the foul language a little less foul. The patient begins to lose consciousness, we see their arm swelling up… and cut! We find ourselves safe in the shelter of an office or a lab. After all, insects swarming around a wound are fine for Americans and DVD nuts, but not for us. Unfortunately, from time to time one brushes up against complications with the anaesthetic. Why is that lady apologising so profusely at the end of the episode? Because she called him a dirty cripple? Oh, you didn’t hear why? Don’t worry, nor did I - but I know a good ENT specialist.

Luckily, neither the editor’s scalpel nor dubbing’s soothing balm have prevented large numbers of viewers from warming to this white-coated gang, or from thrilling to their differential diagnoses, incomprehensible without taking Third Year in medicine. Hypochondriacs beware, all illnesses shown are extremely rare and extremely serious!

Not all patients are saved, but as Dr. Gregory House would say, “For an extreme illness, extreme treatment.” Oops, sorry - that was Hippocrates, but they would certainly agree with each other.

I recommend you take three episodes a week for two months, on Wednesdays at 8:50pm, and if things don’t improve, come back and see me. I’ll prescribe you the DVD in its original language, sub-titled and untouched.